I am way behind on answering emails these day. I’m also not on Facebook as much. It’s hard to stay motivated to continue to stalk counties’ sites for teaching jobs much less write posts. So, I felt it was only right to explain myself to the wonderful reps who are emailing (especially those following up on BlogHer) and my readers/friends. I’m having a hard time dealing with life not going as planned right now. I know that life doesn’t always work out like we imagined. However, I feel like virtually nothing is going right.
Life Not Going As Planned
I guess it’s a part of getting older when we realize that life isn’t exactly as how we once imagined it would be. However, I really think that life not going as planned is a bit of understatement right now. Plus, I’m only 23. I thought my twenties were supposed to be about discovering myself and the like. The past year has really hit me hard and I often times feel helpless in regards to my life’s path.
One of the biggest disappointments over the past year as been the lack of a full-time teaching position. No one warned me it was going to be this hard to find a job. I have three different endorsements, one of which is special education. I was led to believe (by my college professors) that the schools were just waiting on us to graduate. I heard that one county superintendent was even interested in hearing more about my graduate research project. However, this obviously hasn’t helped. It’s frustrating to see some friends get a teaching position simply because of who they are. I haven’t been on Facebook as much in the past few weeks because it’s simply too hard to see some people posting pictures of their classrooms and talking about the first day of school. I want a teaching position so bad and it makes me sick to feel like such a failure in life. I feel like I wasted four years of my life in college and racked up a ton of debt for nothing. I haven’t given up on a teaching position, but I’ve accepted the fact (more or less) that I’ll be subbing for a second year in a row.
On top of the job failure, I’m dealing with life not going as planned in terms of my living situation. I fully expected to move out of my parents’ home last year and then get engaged/married shortly thereafter. However, I’m still living at home with my mom. I’m also not married or even engaged at this point. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very thankful for my mom allowing me to continue to live with her rent-free as well as my five-year relationship. I don’t know where I’d be without my mom and my boyfriend. However, we are at least two years out from getting engaged and I can’t move out without a job to pay for a place. This is something I feel as though I have no control over and it’s the first time I’ve not had at least a four-year plan for life.
To top all of it off, I’m really missing my dad and grandma. Next Sunday marks the 10 year anniversary of my grandmother’s passing. I plan to write a post about it next weekend, so I won’t go into details here. However, I never expected to face the 10 year mark without my dad. I already missed my grandma loads and now I’ve got to face the loss without my father here to help me (it’s his mom). Dad was always good to talk to. He could make me feel better, no matter the situation. I have never found anyone that could put me at ease like he could. I’m still struggling to figure out how to deal with life without him. Some days, I just want to hide in bed. Other days, I want someone to talk to. It just varies from day to day and I’m not always sure what to do.
I’m not trying to complain or get sympathy simply because I’m trying to deal with life not going as planned. I realize that most people are dealing with that… life’s not perfect. However, this is the first time in my life that I’ve felt like literally nothing was going as planned and I had virtually no control over things. As someone who tends to make long-term plans and has high expectations of themselves, this is especially hard to swallow. I just wanted to put my feelings into words in hopes that someone out there would understand.