I’m sure you remember the post I made back in December where I told you that my dad passed away. When it initially happened, I had a really hard time. It would hit me late at night and I couldn’t sleep. However, during my long-term substitute position from February to April, I became too tired to really have that problem. I thought I was dealing with things better. Then, Mother’s Day happened last Sunday and I realized I’m still definitely grieving the loss of my father.
Grieving the Loss of My Father
You would think that Mother’s Day would have been easy for me. I spent the day with my boyfriend, my mom, and grandmother. That part was ok. However, by the end of the day, I realized that Father’s Day was quickly approaching. It also occurred to me that I would never have another Father’s Day with my dad. Ever. So, as I lay in bed that night, I suddenly felt almost as bad as I did back when it initially happened. I attempted to be quiet about it, as my mom was sleeping and had to work on Monday. I don’t think she knows, but I spent the better part of an hour sobbing that night. I actually cried myself to sleep. The week following that night was not easy.
I’ve thought about my father and missed him virtually all week. The scene from Sunday night repeated itself on Wednesday night. During the day, I usually try to stay ahead on the blog. However, I couldn’t find the motivation to do posts until the day of for much of the week. I generally try to have posts ready to go for the weekend by Thursday. I’m actually writing this on Friday afternoon, if that tells you anything. That is to say that at night I’ve been a wreck and during the day I’ve attempted to just distract myself from the pain.
It’s interesting to me that I’m having trouble grieving the loss of my father now. Back on May 9th, I read this stages of grief post on my friend’s site and I commented that I hadn’t really felt much anger. This week I actually experienced some anger… not at my father though. I’m angry he’s gone and that I no longer have a father. I’m angry that some people seem to assume I’m ok with things. It’s hard for me to describe the exact pain I’ve felt this week. I can simplify it and say that it’s been depression during the day and anger at night. I can also say that I’ve never felt anything like this before and I don’t even know what to do about it.
Grieving the loss of my father is not an easy thing. This week seemed like a step backwards for me and I’m dreading Father’s Day with everything I have. I guess I don’t have a real point for this post, other than to let anyone who cares know that I’m having a hard time. Also, I haven’t been responding to many emails or as supportive in the Facebook groups. So, I apologize for that. I’ll try to get back to people again soon. Just not this weekend.