Today, I interrupt your routine to share a letter to my father on the anniversary of his death. As you may recall, my dad passed away in December of 2012. Today marks three years since he’s been gone and I can’t believe so much has happened. I miss him so much right now. So, I just thought I’d write him a letter to remember him and in the process I can catch you (my readers) up.

Letter to My Father on the Anniversary of His Death

Dear Daddy,

I miss you oodles. There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about you at some point. I still want to pick up the phone to tell you about my crazy day. I want to tell you about my kids at school. Boy, they do and say some funny stuff. I think you would appreciate the sense of humor I’ve developed to deal with the adults I work with as well. I know that you would just shake your head at me and mom though. We’re still a humorous bunch.

The reason that this year is different from last year though is the fact that I’m engaged. Some days, just the thought of walking down the aisle without you makes me cry. However, I know that you would be happy for me. I also know that you would be proud to know that I value myself as a complete human being enough to just walk myself because I believe that I’m no one’s property to be given away or received. I think that you would be happy that I’ve found the dress that makes me feel beautiful. I know that you would be happy to learn that you were right about that guy. He is in fact “sticking around”. Haha!

Dad, I try everyday to be the type of person that would make you happy to say that I’m your daughter. I think that for the most part I’m doing fine. I try to help mom whenever I can. I also try to keep myself sane and happy. I have so much to thank you for and I’m so glad that I had you here for 23 years.

I miss you, but I know that you are no longer in pain and that makes it’s easier. I really wish you were here though to do a father-daughter dance with me. I know that we would do something awesome. I also wish you could tell me which songs to play since you loved music so much.

I’m still taking it one day at a time and I know that you would want me to be happy. So, I keep trying.

I love you and miss you!

<3

I debated if I should even post something today, but I decided that I couldn’t let the anniversary of father’s passing go by without acknowledging it on here.

Anniversary of Father’s Passing

Two years ago today, my dad passed away. This was after he spent a few weeks in the hospital (including the Thanksgiving holiday). While it shouldn’t have been a surprise, I was still shocked when it happened. You see, dad had been in bad health for several years. In fact, he’d been in the hospital lots of times. However, he had always come back home and been ok (more or less). So, I guess I had come to the assumption that he would be ok that time. When he wasn’t, it was a true gut punch.

When dad passed away, someone told me that the first year without him would be the hardest. I must say that I agree, to some extent. Everyday was a new challenge without him… The first Christmas, birthday, etc. Having never experienced that before, every single holiday (which should have been joyous) was filled with dread and deep sadness.

Now that I’ve had a couple of those without him, I can’t say that they are any better. I can say though, that I don’t dread them as much simply because I’ve endured it previously and I know this is how it’s going to be. The anniversary of father’s passing has been relatively calm. I spent the day with my mom and we did some Christmas shopping. It seems like we do much better when we stay busy and go out. I don’t know that we’ll do it every year, but I certainly think it helped this year.

I still miss daddy beyond words. In fact, sometimes the pain hits me so hard and abruptly that I can’t process it. However, I take things one day at a time and just keep in mind that he would want me to be happy. So, I try to move on with my life while remembering the good times.

I’m writing this from California because I’ve found myself having to explain my recent excursions to people I’m meeting (which I don’t mind doing) and so I thought I might share what I learned from my father’s death with my readers. I thought that it might explain some of the changes around here.

What I Learned from My Father’s Death

I’ve blogged about the loss of my father many times on here, beginning with that very hard to write my dad passed away post in December of 2012. All I can really remember from that time period is how sad and lonely I felt. Losing my father has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with. His death still hits me at random moments and makes me want to start crying again. However, now that I’m a year and half out from it, I’m seeing that I did learn a few things from my father’s passing.

What I Learned from My Father’s Death

• Treasure time with loved ones. My mom and I haven’t always gotten along. In fact, my dad was concerned about us getting along after his passing. However, losing my father has managed to bring us new found peace. We realize that we need each other to survive now and we don’t waste time arguing like we did before. If one of us gets upset, we quickly find a way to get over it and move on. Life is too short to spend time being upset with a person you love.
• See and experience all that you can. My dad was legally blind and had other health issues that prevented him from traveling later in life. However, he didn’t travel very far as a young man either. I don’t know that he meant to teach me this lesson or not, but I feel strongly about traveling now. We don’t know what the future holds for any of us. So, I’m not going to waste my good health by sitting at home. I’d rather see all that I can, especially if I have any chance of going blind or not living past my fifties.
• People, not possessions matter. Trust me, I love stuff. Haha! However, I now see that our stuff just accumulates for our brief enjoyment and then it’s left behind for our loved ones to clean out as they see fit. However, the connections we make and impact we make on others sticks around. I remember all types of stories about my dad and no one can take those away from me.
• Life is short, be happy. This one can be applied to many aspects of life. For instance, enjoy that dessert or don’t take everything so personally.
• Do what you love. This one can explain the decrease in the frequency of my posts. Yes, it has hit my stats hard (real hard). However, I now try to spend my time doing things I truly enjoy and if that means not posting but a few times a week, then fine. If that means I write only 2 posts a week and both are personal posts, then that is fine as well. This isn’t to say that I don’t like blogging. One doesn’t do it for 5+ years and not get something from it. It just means that if you don’t see me around for a few (several) days, then I’m out living life instead of writing about it.

Like I said, I’m only just now realizing what I learned from my father’s death and his life. So, don’t be surprised if you read more posts like this in the future.

Given everything that’s happened, it didn’t seem right not to acknowledge the fact that I’ll be missing dad on Father’s Day this weekend. Granted, this will be my 2nd one without him. However, that doesn’t mean that the pain has gone away.

Missing Dad on Father’s Day

After a long, hard battle with several health issues, my dad passed away in December of 2012. Ever since then, I’ve felt lost in so many ways. He was the person who was most like me. We had the same sense of humor and we could discuss anything. He was always there to make a bad day brighter with his jokes and an understanding hug. Overall, we aren’t a huggy family. However, nothing has (or probably ever will) been as comforting to me as a hug from my dad. He was a naturally big man with an even bigger heart. So, a hug from him was an all-encompassing experience.

I am missing dad on Father’s Day this year as I wrap-up my first year of teaching because I know he would have enjoyed hearing about my experiences with these kids. It’s also very ironic that my first teaching job was in math (considering I don’t have a math endorsement). You see, I was placed into an advanced math class in 7th grade late (by about 6 weeks). So, dad had to help me catch up by covering the material with me. It was an interesting adventure, for sure. At one point, dad said that he hoped that I had to teach a kid math and witness the look of pure confusion on their face after I worked so hard to cover the problem and broke it down step by step. I laughed and said that it wouldn’t happen because I wasn’t going to have kids. Then, after he died, I got this job and I had to teach 92 kids math. Haha!

I am missing dad on Father’s Day because he’s not here to guide me in life. The next several months are once again up in the air (more to come on that in a later post). So, I find myself wanting to know what he would say to do. I’ve also craved his sense of humor when dealing with stuff at work. I feel like losing my dad removed a piece of my heart that can never be filled again. I’ve had to re-construct my way of life because I can’t run to him for wisdom and advice. It’s not been easy but I’m grateful to have had his presence in my life for those brilliant 23 years.

I’m missing dad on Father’s Day because he was the best dad I could ever ask for and I loved him so.